Shades Of Plantain And Other Questions

Some "In-Depth" Factors To Consider Before Delving Into Matrimony

by Gottfried Moh

Shades Of Plantain And Other Questions

Marriage is a conscious decision to find someone who (supposedly) gives you peace of mind, happiness and then making the decision to commit to said individual. 

Right?! Right?! Wrong! 

It is finding that one person whose excesses (read: wahala) you’re willing to cope with for the rest of your life, I mean, what’s left of your (hopefully) long days on earth. They won’t tell you this in school, but there are certain conversations you need to have before rings are exchanged and Confetti falls on you like raindrops.

Before you do get married, there are a number of questions you need to ask your significant other, and no, I am not referring to genotype tests and rhesus compatibility. All of that is irrelevant stuff in the grand scheme of things. People of the worldwe have to ask the real questions.

First of all, ask her what TV programmes she enjoys? If she says Telemumdo and Telenovela, I’ve got bad news for you, a life of divided attention waits your home. It’s easier for a camel to pass through the needle’s eye than for her to be an excellent wife and mother to your kids and watch that stuff at the same time. Frying pans and remote controls just don’t mix! Your baby is sitting there in the crib, crying from hunger while the love of your life is dancing Bharatanatyam in the sitting room.

Ladies, don’t ask him if he snores, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with snoring. The simple remedy is to buy ear muffs and you’re good. But, hear me out, if he farts in his sleep, by God you've got to reconsider the whole prospect of spending a lifetime with him. Consider the fact that this man is trying to obstruct your free flow of oxygen! Run, run as fast as you can! What if frequent farting stops the air conditioner from functioning properly?

Another important question which basically trumps the “kids or no kids?” quandary is, “hey, how do you like your plantain?” It will be difficult to comprehend the gravity of this question until you’re in dire straits and you discover you’ve married a psychopath who loves overripe plantain and now your life is in tatters. You can always get around the debate over number of children by adopting one, but you see the plantain argument is capable of breaking marriages!

Of course, there are contentious matters like peeing on the toilet seat, pressing the toothpaste from the middle or the end of the tube, and sleeping with the lights on (or off), but the size of onion slices is an issue worthy of consideration too. If your partner prefers big onion slices to having them chopped into little bits, then you need to start second-guessing your plans to wake up next to them indefinitely. Imagine jollof rice is laid out before you and the pieces of onion are bigger than the chunks of meat? Where do you go from there?

Again, there is the “white or brown bread?” question. Now, be careful about what kind of bread your significant other prefers. You know that hard slice at the top of the pile that you usually throw away, it just might be their favourite part! Beyond that, there are those who like burnt toast (I’m talking about those who decide to set the loaves on fire because they feel that the bakery didn’t do justice to them). What happens, then?

These things could appear ridiculous on the surface, but they are the pertinent questions. Marriage is a lifetime commitment, and it’s only fair that people wait to conduct their due diligence before trading names and vows.