The children are singing along to Jingle Bells and Feliz Navidad, and the bright light of yellow, red and green, have filled up the streets, lighting up the night, and once again we are reminded that it is Christmas.
Although there’s no snow to skate through, in Nigeria, we have the harmattan to embrace us with its dryness and suck the moisture off our skin. In all these, we try to remain positive because it is Christmas right? It’s a season of love, giving, and joy, at least that’s what we’ve been taught to believe here, but does Christmas live its full potential in Nigeria?
Here are some very funny yet unbearable things that occur during Christmas in Nigeria;
Santa Is Not Coming To Town: O yes! He’s not. Don’t let movies deceive you and worst-off, if you’ve got kids, ensure they are not watching any of these foreign Christmas movies where Santa surprises the little ones while they are asleep with their desired presents. It is delusional. The only way Nigerian kids get to know what “Santa” looks and feels like is when they pay for their school Christmas party, and guess what? You might just be faced with a malnourished scary Santa who instead of gifts and hugs will end up making your kids cry and struggle for their dear lives!
Tormenting Broadcast Messages: Best believe everyone is either a comedian, motivational speaker, or a clergy starting from Christmas Eve up until New Year’s day, and even after that! If you have at least 100 contacts on your list, you might want to consider blocking some on WhatsApp. You know those contacts you’ve been keeping just in case you might need their connections in the future, don’t be fooled, broadcast messages are the only connection they will give you, especially in this season.
Be rest assured that 80 per cent of your contacts and friends on social media, especially on Facebook, will try to remind you that it is Christmas, Jesus was born, and how if you don’t resend some guilt-tripping message, the grace of God will depart from your life.
Sour Family Reunions: Why do we fake a lot of things for our family’s sake? Why go through some long journey to wine and dine with family members you don’t like, when you can be in the comfort of your nuclear family alone? Some say its tradition, never have they spent Christmas without the whole extended clan. Oh well! While you merry, there is an Aunty in the corner reminding you of why you haven’t gotten married at the age of 30.
Family competitions are irksome, there is always an uncle who wants to be worshipped because he has some money, an aunty who feels the remaining ladies cannot afford what she wears and a child who feels on top of the other kids because he always tops his class, or has nice shoes. In gatherings like this, no one wants to be caught off guard, even the ones who need financial assistance from a brother, they would rather die than ask, or they will ask for everything.
Serenity Is Not Your Friend: There is no place you plan on going to celebrate Christmas, that the rest of Nigeria is not going with you. Name a hangout spot that is not filled this season. If you are looking for serenity, stay tucked in your bed.
Also, if you think proposing to her this Christmas in public will be just fine, I advise you abort mission except you are ready for the shenanigans. While you might be sure she got your ring, you are not sure she said ‘Yes’. Perhaps you heard the voices of passersby screaming “Say yes! Say Yes!” and then you placed the ring on her finger. Congratulations bro! you might have just engaged a whole community.
The Spendthrift Curse: As I stated earlier, everybody is going to where you are going except you are tucked in bed. Once you are out it feels like a genie has laid a curse on you that compels you to spend without restraint. From 12 bottles to 20, you and your cartel haven’t hit the benchmark yet, after all, they paid you Christmas bonus and 13th month salary right? Even those who didn’t get any bonus already have their savings targeted for this season. Remember that in all thy spending, January has 62 days.
There you go, funny but unbearable things that happens in the name of Christmas. If you think you’re going to be immune to these plaques by remaining tucked in bed then you are not wise. What’s the essence of celebrating Christmas in Nigeria if you don’t have a feel of at least one of these anyway? Common, Don’t be boring!